"The Four Horsemen": Types of Negative Responses Within Conflict and How to Combat Them

Written by Brooke Thrasher, MA, Resident in Counseling

Conflict is a normal part of all relationships, even the most successful of ones. In fact, a successful relationship isn't defined by its lack of conflict but rather by how well conflict is managed. Dr. John and Julie Gottman, co-founders of the Gottman Institute, have performed extensive research on marital relationships, including studies on how couples fight and what they can do to fight better. Through their research on communication patterns within conflict, they have identified four types of negative responses, known as "the four horsemen" that often arise: 1) criticism, 2) defensiveness, 3) contempt, and 4) stonewalling. The appearance of the four horsemen in conflict isn't necessarily a sign of an unsuccessful relationship, but if any are left unmanaged, they can be detrimental. Fortunately, each horseman has an antidote and a biblical principle that will help you and your significant other, or any person you're in relationship with, to manage conflict in a healthy, edifying manner that will strengthen you and your partner's intimacy.

Criticism (Antidote: A "Gentle Start-Up")

Unlike a complaint that addresses a specific behavior, criticism is verbally attacking a person's character. Criticism may sound like, "Here I am doing the dishes for the third night in a row. You never do them. You're so lazy!" To combat criticism, the Gottmans recommend enacting a "gentle start-up," where the person with the complaint expresses their feelings using "I" statements, followed by a specific need. A gentle start-up may be, "I feel frustrated when we don't share the responsibility of cleaning the dishes. Could we consider alternating who does the dishes each night?" Pairing an "I" statement with a specific need prevents the speaker from blaming their partner and puts the focus on what they feel and need.

The Bible instructs us many times to be gentle with others, especially in our speech, and warns us of the consequences when we are not gentle with others. Proverbs 15:1 teaches us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (NIV). Our criticism will only escalate conflict, but a gentle start-up can bring greater understanding between you and your partner.

Defensiveness (Antidote: Taking Responsibility)

Defensiveness is an attempt at self-protection from a perceived attack, often in response to another's criticism. Defensiveness to your partner's criticism about being lazy for not doing the dishes would sound like, "It's not my fault you use every utensil to cook dinner. Maybe I'd get to the dishes sooner if you didn't leave such a mess!" The problem with defensiveness is that it evades responsibility for your partner's complaint and becomes a way of blaming your partner instead. Instead of becoming defensive, try taking responsibility for your part in the conflict: "You're right; I haven't been doing the dishes this week. Let me clean up after dinner tomorrow night." Humbly accepting your part in the conflict diffuses conflict and more quickly leads to peace and compromise.

Scripture also teaches us that responding to feedback defensively is foolish, whereas receiving feedback humbly is a sign of wisdom: “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice” (Proverbs 12:15, NIV). Take initiative to put aside foolishness and act wisely by humbly taking responsibility for your part in a conflict.

Contempt (Antidote: Regularly Expressing Appreciation and Respect)

Contempt is communicated through statements that suggest moral superiority over your partner. It often comes through the form of sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and/or hostile humor. The Gottmans identify contempt as the deadliest of the four horsemen and the greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt can come in the form of criticism paired with demeaning non-verbal communication, such as, "Of course it's my fault. Maybe you should go live with your mother since all you ever do is act like a child around here," followed by a searing glare. Partners can mitigate contempt toward one another by consistently expressing appreciation and gratitude for the other. For example, "I do tend to make quite a mess when I am cooking, don't I? I can work on being mindful of the amount of dishes I use. I really appreciate your efforts to help manage the task of cooking and cleaning up after dinner." The antidote begins with understanding and self-awareness and ends with ownership and appreciation, which communicates respect for, rather than superiority over, your partner.

Throughout the New Testament, Paul regularly models expressing gratitude, appreciation, and respect for fellow believers and encourages us to do the same: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV). Combat contempt by building your partner up with words of encouragement and appreciation for who they are and what they do to care for you.

Stonewalling (Antidote: Self-Soothing)

Stonewalling occurs when one partner completely withdraws from an argument and ignores their partner. Stonewalling typically happens when one partner begins to feel overwhelmed or "flooded," as evidenced by an increased heart rate or even as a fight-or-flight response. In the case of our dirty dishes fight, the partner who is not helping out may respond with: "I'm tired of you nagging me every night about the same stuff. I don't need this anymore!" and storms off. It's common to become emotionally overwhelmed from time to time within conflict, but instead of shutting down and icing our partner out, we can call a time-out: "I'm sorry, but I need to pause this discussion; I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and need some time to calm down. How about I check back in in a half hour to resume our conversation?" It's important to take at least 20 minutes to calm down, as our bodies need that amount of time to physiologically self-regulate. Be sure to use that time to actually self-soothe, such as taking deep breaths or a walk, rather than continuing to stew on the argument. This will help you to engage better with your partner by listening and responding respectfully.

The Bible also teaches us not to let anger through unresolved conflict to fester: “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26–27, NIV); in other words, don’t wait too long to resolve conflict; otherwise, anger will result in bitterness and resentment. Take the time you need to calm down, but make a point to return to the conversation with your spouse and try again.

God's second command to His People is to love one another, and one primary way we can obey that is to take care in how we choose to speak to others, with humility, empathy, respect, and gentleness. May our words be used to build unity within our relationships and in the Body of Christ, the church, as a whole.